By Ed Kang
Forgiveness is a skill that, in my experience as an executive coach, very few understand, let alone practice regularly. Yet, it is a critical practice for our ongoing social-emotional development.
A mentor once told me, just as I got engaged to my wife of almost 19 years, that the moment we say, “I do,” all marriages go from romance to being about daily forgiveness. At first, I thought he was a bit hyperbolic. It turns out he was right.
Death by a Thousand Papercuts
We all experience mini offenses in our daily lives—especially from people we love—like papercuts. They break the skin and sting for a moment, but we ignore the nuisance and soldier forth. We minimize the sting and try not to make a big deal. No point in being dramatic about a papercut, right? It’s the big gashes and wounds that deserve the attention.
Whereas “death by a thousand cuts” is considered a form of torture, it’s death by a thousand papercuts—the minor daily ouchies—that add up, get infected and turn relationships toxic, seemingly without warning. No matter how loving and stable, every relationship has a degree of regular conflict.
You can’t ignore the papercuts.
Bandaid Forgiveness
Most of us are familiar with the advice to “forgive and forget.” And sometimes, we’re taught to “forgive but not forget” to maintain boundaries and avoid repetitive offenses. But unfortunately, most of our understanding of forgiveness is like a bandaid solution for the emotional papercuts we receive. They are temporary surface remedies at best.
Empathy and Forgiveness
For social-emotional development, there are four levels of forgiveness. But to understand them, we can first look at the four levels of empathy we teach here at YouEQ.
Level 1: Cognitive Empathy – “I think I know how you feel.”
Level 2: Emotional Empathy – “I feel how you feel.”
Level 3: Compassionate Empathy – “I am moved by how you feel.”
Level 4: Appreciative Empathy – “I appreciate how you feel and what is.”
While compassionate empathy is always ideal, level four empathy is the highest form and requires the most emotional intelligence. When we exercise appreciative empathy, we don’t need to fix/heal/convert/teach/direct the outcome. We appreciate others and the situation for what is. We can then invoke gratitude and find peace.
How does empathy then, relate to forgiveness? While the aggrieved party typically deserves empathy and will be the one to forgive, what if it was the opposite? What if forgiving someone was an act of empathy itself?
The Four Levels of Forgiveness
Using the empathy model, we can posit four levels to show how us to forgive others.
Level 1: Cognitive Forgiveness – “I forgive you for what happened.”
Level 2: Emotional Forgiveness – “I forgive you and release my pain.”
Level 3: Compassionate Forgiveness – “I forgive and release you of your pain.”
Level 4: Appreciative Forgiveness – “I choose to forgive before it’s even needed because I appreciate what is.”
Cognitive Forgiveness
Forgiving at level one happens in our heads—it’s an intellectual exercise with which we are most familiar. Just like cognitive empathy, it is the easiest to learn but the most shallow in practice. It merely requires “logical sense” to forgive and forget (or not forget, depending on the situation). Common occurrences of this level happen on a general level or when the transgression is accidental.
Emotional Forgiveness
Emotional forgiving occurs when pain is released, and there is emotional closure. Emotional closure is the key here. For example, if there is genuine reconciliation between both parties, each feels heard and experiences emotional empathy, then the “emotional record” can be expunged from the record. In another instance, we can see this level of forgiving when victims face their abusers in court after a guilty verdict. The innocent can release their pain because justice has provided closure. So, to achieve emotional forgiveness, a process for closure is required, which often requires an individual to forgive themselves by saying, “I release myself into my forgiveness.”
Compassionate Forgiveness
Compassionate forgiveness is similar to level three but occurs when the hurt party is moved by compassion to forgive for the other party’s sake. Here, forgiveness becomes an act of compassionate empathy—we are moved to forgive because of the pain we see within the other over our own.
Sometimes, we may cognitively forgive but keep a permanent record on file—often reminding all parties of it frequently. There is an “emotional debt” that can never be repaid (common in co-dependent relationships or parents that control their children with guilt and shame). But sometimes we have genuinely released our pain through forgiveness, but the other person continues to suffer under self-imposed condemnation. In this instance, compassionate forgiveness, by helping the offender release their pain for personal freedom, requires real empathy.
Appreciative Forgiveness
This level of forgiveness is possible when we appreciate that people are not perfect, and conflict is an unavoidable component of any meaningful relationship. Using appreciative empathy, we choose to forgive even before there is transgression. You might say that we won’t even have to forgive because you can’t be offended if you expect to hurts in the first place. If you appreciate that papercuts in a relationship are growth opportunities, you can easily operate in compassionate forgiveness when needed.
Reaching this level of forgiveness requires the practice of joy. Joy allows us to be with each other in mutual strength and weakness. Joy appreciates people in and despite their vulnerability. This appreciation, combined with empathy, will enable us to forgive and appreciate what is. There is no need to fix/heal/convert/teach/direct anybody or anything—only appreciate in gratitude and peace.
When We Choose Not to Forgive
A friend once explained that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. I’ve experienced the poison of unforgiveness. I also understand the reason we hang onto our offenses as a coping mechanism and protection from being hurt again.
Those with high EQ and self-awareness know that unforgiveness turns into bitterness, affecting us in spirit, soul, and body. But using our EQ, we can self-regulate the hurt and choose the path of forgiveness for emotional freedom. And in today’s polarized culture, I think we could all learn to practice forgiveness and empathy more.