Emotional intelligence (EQ) is not a new concept. The term emotional intelligence originated from research by Peter Salavoy and John Mayer. But it was put on the map by Dan Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Matters More Than IQ.
Although generally recognized by the business and leadership community, emotional intelligence has become increasingly popular in mental health and wellness circles. Therefore it’s not uncommon to see the subject of EQ covered in psychology and companies that have specialized in emotional intelligence training.
But What About Parenting?
How do we teach emotional intelligence to our children—especially when many of us, as parents, still don’t understand it completely ourselves?
First, it’s essential to understand the four primary attributes of EQ.
Self-Awareness – You’re able to recognize your emotions and how they’re affecting you.
Self-Management – You’re able to regulate your emotions and respond appropriately.
Social-Awareness – You have empathy for others and act accordingly.
Relationship-Management – You can engage, interact, and influence others effectively.
As parents, we’d love for our children to have these four skills. No doubt, if our children had higher EQ, we can imagine them achieving a lifetime of health and happiness for their bright futures. It would be the gift any parent would be glad to sacrifice for and give.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
We define EQ as simply being intelligent about your emotions and then using those emotions to unlock your intelligence. Using this approach, EQ is not just about managing how we feel, but harnessing those feelings into desires outcomes—what we consider social-emotional performance.
Four Emotional Intelligence Questions to Practice with Your Children
There is a way to train your brain for emotional intelligence by asking four questions. Furthermore, if you have conversations with your kids using the same questions, you’ll both learn EQ—for social-emotional performance—at the same time.
What?
Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and “What am I thinking?” in that order.
Starting with feelings engages the right side of your brain, which is where emotions move the fastest. The right side of your brain “feels” without having to “think” about it. When you see a shadowy figure in the dark alley ahead, or a cooing baby looking into your face, your right brain goes into action before your left brain processes the situation.
When you ask yourself what you’re feeling and then thinking, you’re training your brain for self-awareness. It’s like practicing drills as an athlete for the real game. The best athletes often practice visualization of athletic performance, such as a basketball player imagining free throws, for this very reason.
When
Then ask, “When do I feel this?” and “When should I respond?”
Now you’re training your brain for self-regulation. You’ll start to see patterns in your life, such as when you’re with a specific person or in an everyday situation. Then, by asking when you should respond, you’re slowing your brain down to allow execution functions to formulate the best response. You’ll avoid emotional hijacking.
How
Next, ask, “How did I/we get here?”
Now that you’re brain is regulated, you can start to reflect and take responsibility or draw some boundaries. This is the starting point to develop social awareness. Maybe you recognize it’s time to apologize, or things are blown out of proportion. Or perhaps you realize that a specific relationship is toxic. Back to our athletics analogy, think of this like spending time watching replays of past games and working through a gameplan to win the next one.
Who
“Who am I?”
“Who do I want to be?”
“Whom do I want to be me with?”
These may seem like strange questions, but they’re all about relationship management. Once you’ve gone through the What, When, and How, these Who questions will stimulate the prefrontal cortex in your brain. You’re tapping into the highest executive functions that help you with managing the most critical aspects of your personality. It is where you can achieve the cognitive control necessary for optimal social-emotional performance.
Give these questions a try. Journal your answers if you need to. And as a parent, try asking them with your family. Discuss without judgment. Just accept everybody’s responses. You’ll all be learning emotional intelligence together.
Just remember, any time you’re in an emotional situation (which is pretty much every situation), ask yourself what, when, how, and who. The more you practice, the more automatic it will become. Just like the champion athlete that has milliseconds to react during a game, you’ll perform—socially and emotionally—the same way.
If you’re looking for more brain training for emotional intelligence, try our free EQ mini-course. Or, if you’re feeling courageous, you can explore how we use games to train brains for emotional intelligence.